oh yeah you know its going to be a good one when the title of the post is
"poop song" yay!
so remember when I started that tradition where at any random time I'd post something embarrassing that happened to me.
well guess what Its that time again. everyone get ready....
You know with all this talk now I've GOT TO DELIVER!!! Crap Balls. The PRESSURE!!!
FREEEEEDOM!!!
I love to throw some Braveheart into Dramatic situations. :)
so ya'll know I had cancer right? You know thinking about it I don't play my cancer card enough... I should probably think of some ways I can get stuff from that. :)
Maybe I'll write a book like Lance Armstrong or something. just a thought... seriously though... if I wrote a book would you buy it?
what if it came with a photo section???
So just so you know the upcoming words are going to be in this post... just in case you want to stop reading. If you do stop reading I will find out!... exactly in the same way how I found out who VOTED NO in my little "Will you go out with me" poll!!!
Bowel Movement
Poop
Constipation
Laxative
Enema
Hot Doctor
Shellie
But they are ALL used in a medical way. If you use any sort of bad word in a medical way you are cleared.
So one day I was at Primary Children's for another round of Chemo. (by the way one of the reasons I would love to write a book for kids with cancer is because when I found out I was going to be given chemo I thought I would be strapped in a chair and a room would be filled with gas. Seriously. How TERRIFYING is that!!! so I would love to write something to show what to expect on a kid level)
So back to my story...
I was laying in bed. I was watching some movie. Probably Free Willy or something. and in walks my nurse.
"Shellie have you been able to go to the bathroom lately?"
"yeah"
"No Shellie have you been able to take a bowel movement?"
"Yeah" (uhhh no... how did she know!!!)
"I don't think you have. Is your stomach hurting you?"
"nope I'm fine"
".... Okay... well I'll check up on you soon!'
She leaves and I turn up my volume on my bed right at the part where the whale jumps over the kid and that Micheal Jackson song comes on...
FREEEDOM!
Then like 10 minutes later she comes back in... with my Dr... and another dude who is a Doctor? And he's hot...and young... and in scrubs. (if you ever want to improve your looks get into a pair of scrubs... its a universal truth they make you hotter)
So they are standing there all looking at me.
My Dr is like
"Shellie we think you are constipated from the chemo"
My eyes get really big and my mouth hangs open. Oh my gosh did he just say "constipated"? I feel my face get really red.
"Uh no I'm fine"
"Shellie its okay... it happens when you are on such strong medication. It throws systems out of sync sometimes"
"This is Dr. Hotty. He's a resident here. He would like to check you out. Is that okay with you" Says my evil Dr.
Dr. Hotty smiles at me. Oh my gosh I'm in LOVE...
Oh geez I can tell this is some how going to end very bad. very very bad.
Dr. Hotty walks over to me.
"Hi Shellie, I'm Dr. Hotty, I'm wearing scrubs, Did I mention I am really good looking?" Flashes me amazing smile "Would it be okay if I touch your stomach and see whats going on?"
Oh my gosh this is not happening to me.
"uh okay"
Dr. Hotty rubs his hands together and blows on them to warm them up.
I am going to pass out.
I lift up my shirt and he starts massaging my stomach.
"Hmmm... yes.... just what we thought"
"You've got a lot of poop in there. You are constipated"
Please dear lord take me now. I want to die. Seriously! Take ME NOW!
I didn't even know what to say. I think I blacked out or something.
Then he steps back and starts singing (HONEST! I am NOT EXAGGERATING ON THIS PART AT ALL)
"You've got some poop in there and you need to get it out. Poop poop poop! Poop Poop Poop."
OH MY GOSH! I HAVE FIGURED IT OUT..... I HAVE DIED... I AM IN HELL!!!
I seriously didn't know what to do... I looked for my nurse. Please help me... save me from this embarrassment!!!!
"Shellie how about we give you a laxative to drink and if nothing happens we'll have to give you an enema." says evil Nurse
"okay" anything just get Dr. Hotty out of here.
they leave.
Nurse comes back in with two bottles of laxative.
I chug them like I'm at a bar in some chugging contest.
"Shellie I'll need to see your Bowel Movement"
"Just you or the Dr's too?"
"Just me"
oh thank goodness!
So yes the laxative did work. it was the smallest squirrel poop you ever did see but I didn't have to get an enema by Dr. Hotty
THE END
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Poop Song (with new picture)
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25 comments:
That has got to be one of the FUNNIEST stories EVER!!!!
HA HA HA!!!! Your blog is about to get a LOT of traffic cuz I'm gonna tell all my friends about this!!!
hope you don't mind!!! :)
Merrianne
OMG LMAO! That's an awesome story. Seriously you should write a book! That's a great idea!
Love it! Definitely write a book woman! You're hilarious and again the only that would make this story cooler is hearing you tell it in person!!!
Miss ou and love our gits (constipated or not!!)
bv
OMG NO HE DIDN'T SING A POOP SONG!! LOL!
Yes write a book!
I'm laughing so freakin hard right now. He did not sing you that song....that would make him way less hot. I'm just picturing Matt Damon in scrubs rubbing your poop filled belly. OMG...that would be so embarassing, but it's hilarious now. You totally should write a book for kids w/ cancer. That's a great idea. I would totally buy it, especially if there were pictures...you have to put the one that you drew of yourself w/ the yellow head.
HE STARTED SINGING???? OMG!! I can't even begin to imagine what I would have done at that moment. I think as an adult, as I am now, I would have burst out laughing. As a kid, I'm sure I would have been really creeped out by the doctor who was treating me like I was two... (on that note, we have a hilarious potty training CD full of songs about pooping and peeing...I guess your Dr. Hotty was onto something back then!! LOL)
I love that song! Do you sing it to your kids when they are going? I might have to use that one the next time I am potty training! You should write a book! I would read it! And I think the kids book is a really great idea! I still think that they put you in a gas chamber for Chemo... I think I saw that on tv when I was little and so I have no clue what it is really like! I would read your kids book also!
This could totally be an SNL skit-I would look it up on YouTube all the time!
ps- I like your blog background. way cute.
Holy crap! How did the tune go? The only thing that would make this blog better is some illustrations.
Shell, where do you come up with your blog ideas? This is a GREAT story!!!
ok something is wrong with your page + my google reader..it hasn't been telling me you have new posts. Here i was thinking you hadn't posted in days and i come over to check on you and you've written a book in the meantime..oh well, great story by the way :)
Does that win the MOST EMBARASSING STORY EVER contest? I think so!
And yes, write a book. I think it's the greatest. And you'll get on Oprah and be a best seller. ROCK STAR!
And I can say, "I knew her when..." (even though I don't really know you IRL).
KATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have no idea what in the H you are talking about?
i don't even WANT to know about that last comment from "KATE".....
WOW!
but anyway---those are CUTE FUNNY PICTURES you just added on there!!!! i luv 'em!
OMG that would be so embarassing... especial with Dr McHottie!! :)
PS I didn't know you had cancer as a kid, a book about that for a kid would be a great idea, I didn't know how chemo worked until my sister's ex had it (when I was like 19)
That was so entertaining. You are a great writer! I keep peeking in because I enjoy you so much. Keep up the good work.
Laughing Leah's Auntie
I love it! Poop stories are always funny! You should write a book... you are so great!
Ha! I love the Free Willy on the tv!
That picture is even better than I imagined. Thank you for making him Patrick.Have you seen that new movie where he's a bridesmaid? The one where he's a big slut but you don't really care, then he kisses a girl in a bar and you pass out a little from awesome pleasure? You should.
Anyway, I dig the pictures. I know they must be a lot a work, but they are worth it. Do NOT get anyone else to illustrate your book.
Oh. My. God. You are hilarious!! I love your blog, I need to add you!
Okay, now I really did PEE and almost pooped my pants from your story! HILARIOUS!!!!!
And your illustration was Amazing!!!!
I haven't laughed so hard in a long time! I love poop stories and I can't believe he sang a song about poop! Plus, I love the fact that my husband wears scrubs to school (dental), it definitely makes guys hotter.
My friend and I were recently discussing about how we as human beings are so hooked onto electronics. Reading this post makes me think back to that debate we had, and just how inseparable from electronics we have all become.
I don't mean this in a bad way, of course! Ethical concerns aside... I just hope that as the price of memory decreases, the possibility of uploading our memories onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's a fantasy that I daydream about all the time.
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